Part 4

Introducing the Stress Bucket

How its capacity reflects our capacity to feel calm, happy, and confident.

Approx. 7–8 minute read

Now — I get it. You’ve got it. Rational, Intellectual, Logical brain... Special Ops brain... polar bears... blah blah blah. But now let’s imagine, just for a moment, that in your subconscious mind there’s a bucket.

A stress bucket.

And every negative thought you have gets collected and stored in there. Day-to-day worries, life pressures — they all go into your stress bucket. Big life struggles and smaller worrying issues — they go in too. Threat stress — in the bucket. Challenge stress — in the bucket (although challenge stress takes up much less room than threat stress). Even micro-stresses — and there can be quite a few of those — end up in there. Big polar bears, small polar bears, and even micro-polar bears... You guessed it — they all go into your stress bucket. Every time you think about something unpleasant in the past... that goes in. And every time you negatively forecast the future... that goes in too.

When our stress bucket is full, our Special Ops brain is far more likely to step in to “help” out — encouraging us to think more negatively. On the other hand, when there’s more space in our stress bucket, we have far more capacity to think with our Rational, Intellectual, Logical brain, and we’re much better able to deal with... well... whatever life throws at us. Because let’s face it — life is life. There’s always going to be something.

So let’s just be clear for a moment. We all need a stress bucket, because we are actually supposed to experience some stress in life. Stress is OK. Just not too much of it — and certainly not too much of it all the time. Our stress bucket can fill up quickly, or it can fill up slowly over time. And sometimes we’re completely unaware of how much we’re carrying in it until it’s full to the point of overflowing. And we really don’t need to analyse or sift through the contents of our stress bucket — we just need to manage it, keep an eye on it, and maintain enough capacity in it so that we can manage any stressors we experience. And, of course, have the capacity to feel calm, happy, and confident, and enjoy our lives!

The great news is that we have a wonderful, natural way to empty our stress bucket. And that happens when we sleep. During sleep — particularly during REM sleep, where we dream — our brain processes the events of the day, helping to sort and file our experiences. It can take the edge off negative memories by downgrading and softening some of the big emotional stamps the amygdala — our security guard — may have put on them.

Sometimes we remember our dreams clearly, and often we don’t. Sometimes our dreams are obviously linked to things going on in our lives, and sometimes they’re not. But either way, they are serving an important purpose. They are helping our brain deal with things for us — removing them from our stress bucket and processing them, updating, storing, and sorting our subconscious files. And that’s why we can often feel better about something after a good night’s sleep — it’s nature’s way of helping us process, regulate, and reset.

It’s great waking up in the morning with an empty stress bucket! But sometimes we don’t. And that’s because if there’s too much in our stress bucket, our brain simply doesn’t get the chance to process everything it needs to. REM sleep is only supposed to make up about 20% of our overall sleep, so if we are trying to get through the contents of an overfull stress bucket, our sleep can start to become disrupted.

We might feel wired at bedtime and struggle to drift off, or tired because we wake up in the night and then find we can’t get back to sleep. Or we might spend too much time in REM sleep and not get the deep sleep we need — despite the fact we’ve slept for hours. Either way, we wake up the next day with stress still sitting in our bucket. And that means we can find ourselves in a bit of a vicious cycle.

With less capacity in our stress bucket, our Special Ops brain becomes more reactive — and the more reactive it is, the more likely we are to think and feel negatively about things... which, of course, just puts even more back into the bucket. And it’s easy to say we should prioritise sleep — unless we’re struggling to get it. Fear not, though — a little later on you’ll discover a really simple tool that can help improve the quality of your sleep.

But sleep isn’t the only way we can manage our stress bucket… The way we think about things is really important. It determines how much space they take up in our stress bucket, which part of our brain is in charge — and, of course, the part of our brain that’s in charge then influences how we feel about things. Which is great when your Rational, Intellectual, Logical brain is in charge — because you’re more likely to think about things in ways that are helpful to you and steer them clear of your stress bucket. But not so great when your Special Ops brain is getting too much influence on your thoughts — encouraging you to think negatively, filling up your stress bucket, and leaving you feeling less calm, less confident, and less able to deal with things.

You know that thing... that meeting or awkward conversation you’re really not looking forward to... The more you think about it, the more you dread it — running scenarios through your mind of everything that could go wrong. In reality, it might turn out not to be that bad at all — it might even go quite well. But by that point, you’ve already put yourself through it umpteen times, imagining it as a total disaster and filling up your stress bucket in the process.

We know that different people respond very differently to the same situations. Some people are terrified of spiders, while others aren’t bothered at all. Some people hate flying, while others are perfectly happy to jet off around the world. The situation might be the same, but the response is completely different — and that comes down to our thought patterns.

Two people can experience exactly the same event, yet experience it in very different ways. So it’s not just what happens in our lives — it’s the way we think about what happens that shapes our experience and plays a huge role in how it feels to us.

Have you ever noticed that you can feel completely differently about the same situation on a different day — depending on how full your stress bucket is? And that may simply be because you’ve got no capacity left to give. Or perhaps you do have the capacity to think a little more positively.

So our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us — our mindset — really do shape our whole experience of life. It’s like the frame or lens through which we experience the world. But here’s the thing. Much of what makes up our mindset — the way we think, what we feel and believe, our attitudes, interpretations, and expectations — isn’t something we consciously sit down and decide on in the moment. So much of it happens without us even realising, through automatic thoughts and subconscious patterns running quietly in the background — patterns that develop as the brain strengthens certain neural pathways and connections over time.

In fact, it’s estimated that over 90% of what goes on in our minds happens at a subconscious level. That’s why it can sometimes feel like our minds have a life of their own — and we can end up feeling frustrated by the way we think, how we feel, and even by the things we do. It’s also why we can’t necessarily just decide to think differently about something and put it straight into practice. But you do actually have more control than you might think.

It’s true that we can’t control every thought that pops into our heads — but we can choose how we react to them. We can’t control other people or everything going on in the world around us. But we can choose how we respond. There’s so much in life we can’t control — but we can feel more in control of our own mind.

When we want to, we really can make changes to the way we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us. We can feel calmer, happier, and more confident. We can achieve what matters most to us and get the most out of life. But the secret is this: when we want to make changes, we can’t rely on our conscious mind alone — we need to influence things at a subconscious level too. And when we understand how to make changes at a subconscious level, everything becomes possible.

Positive change can happen. We can design and influence our mindset. And this happens best when we:

• calm our Special Ops brain

• reduce stress hormones

• regulate our nervous system

• empty our stress bucket

• and get our sleep patterns working more effectively

Which might sound like a tall order... But actually, it isn’t. One of the most effective ways we can work towards all of these things is by making sure we give our minds and nervous systems time to relax.

Relaxation helps counterbalance the stress responses we’ve been talking about. It allows the nervous system to settle, stress hormones to reduce, and gives the brain the opportunity to process things properly.

But for many of us, relaxing isn’t always that easy. When our Special Ops brain is busy and our stress bucket is already quite full, simply deciding to relax can feel surprisingly difficult. That’s where guided relaxation can be really helpful.

Listening to a guided relaxation — like the Mindset Style audios — is a simple and effective way to help create the conditions that allow all of this to happen. Your Special Ops brain will gradually realise that it can stand down from active duty and take a bit of a back seat — because it will always still be there in case of emergency... it just doesn’t need to run every operation, especially the everyday missions of work, family, and daily life in general.

And if you listen to a guided relaxation audio at bedtime on a regular basis, it can have a really positive impact on your sleep patterns too. These audios help relax both your mind and your body, supporting your brain to empty your stress bucket easily and naturally over time. And you don’t need a lecture here about caffeine or blue light. What really matters is giving your mind the chance to settle — allowing your subconscious to do some of that important processing and bucket-emptying it’s designed to do. Which, of course, helps improve the quality of your sleep in the long run.

But it doesn’t just have to be bedtime. You can listen any time — as long as you’re not driving or doing anything else that requires your full attention. You might listen on your lunch break, or any time you have a few minutes to yourself. You could even set your alarm half an hour earlier in the morning, pop a Mindset Style audio on, set your alarm to wake you at the end... and drift back off again.

And the best part is — you don’t need to actively listen to every word. Your conscious mind can do whatever it likes. You might notice your mind wandering — thinking about your plans for the week, or remembering something you need to add to the shopping list. But none of that matters — because it’s actually your subconscious mind that will be doing its thing, without you needing to make any effort at all. Your conscious mind can do whatever it does. It can put its feet up and go to sleep if it wants to.

So we’ve seen how our Special Ops brain tries to keep us safe — but also how it can affect the way we think and feel, which in turn can fill our stress bucket.We’ve also seen how sleep helps our brain process those experiences and empty the bucket again, and how relaxation can be an incredible tool to support all of this.

In the next part, we’re going to look at another really important piece of the puzzle — our physiology, the natural chemicals our brain and body produce, and how we can influence them.

We’re also going to find out more about our brain’s amazing ability to change its ways. Because when we understand how these things work together, we can design and influence our mindset to experience more of the thoughts, feelings, and responses that really benefit us, helping us to enjoy more of what makes life feel good.

Because understanding what’s going on in our minds really can change everything.